Saturday, November 2, 2013

Sweet November?..... No not so much!

So it has been A WHILE since I shared my mind with you all. Tonight I just have to. It helps you know me "venting." Oh now before any of you start on me I HAVE ONLY CRIED ONCE TODAY! Tomorrow may perhaps be a different story! Even the Frog Dog is like "mom really your tears are salty ok let me lick once more.!" So here is the condensed version of life right at the moment....... (deep breath, ready, set, go- and I will start backwards for well fun!)

So Curly gets to start drivers education. I just want to know when this happened that he can drive more then his cozy coup car and what makes you people think he should be allowed to drive? I mean he is my last well he is the baby and I truly will miss him when he steps out into the world. He is a sophomore this year and it is flying into his junior year at lighting speed. I still giggle when his little voice cracks and croaks. Yes he will always be blessed or cursed as he says with his curls. It is what makes him well him. And just last weekend well he took his first steps across the living room floor right? I mean when did I sleep through this whole growing up thing with the Curly?

Da' Bear is in the back stretch of his senior year. Crap this is speeding by fast. So has football season well they made district playoffs so there is a strong possibility we shall be footballing into December. His 18th birthday is rapidly approaching and I am no where near prepared for it! Nor am I prepared for this thing called Senior Prom and that other thing known as Graduation! Nope gonna hide in the closet (not under the bed, we all know my sister has traumatized me from even looking under the bed even at well ok my age (there that is better)) this way NO ONE can find me. Oh who am I trying to kid, da bear will always find me to feed him. And like Curly he was playing with legos last week to, trust me I stepped on one in the middle of the night!

And Blonde. Oh sweet Blonde. (get ready the tears are about to fall again). On Tuesday he will be 21! On Wednesday he will be gone on to the next adventure of his life out into the wild blue yonder. I will not be there to keep him safe, or feed him or any of that. Nope and they tell me he will do just fine. I am not sure of that but y'all just keep on telling me this. He leaves Wednesday for the Navy. I know he will only be gone 14 weeks (no i will not be counting) but let me tell you people 14 weeks is like a lifetime to his momma! My heart is breaking and inside I am dying. I am happy for him I am proud of him. I want him to go and do this and I will be there for him. I know in my heart and head he has to but darn it I am not ready to see him walk out that door just yet. Heck he was playing with  Woody and Buzz and Pocahontas last week too! And i think he gave the cat a bath in the toilet last night (no we no longer have a cat but you understand....)

So here is the deal-e-o, (now that tears are right there yep dropping like melting ice). I know they have to grow and go but Granny was right, "you better love it now as they are walking on your toes cause in a few years they will be walking on your heart!" No Granny they are trampling on my heart! I want it back and I want them back! I have declared a cease fire on them growing up any more then they are. Give me 10 more years (oh so honeyboo would gasp at this but......). I never in my wildest dreams imagined me with kids, let alone 3 boys. And I never knew something so small could make me cry so much! Come on y'all know me well enough to know I do not cry like this but shoot I am considering seeing the doctor or something. Heck maybe y'all need to have me committed (hmmmmm just make sure it is a tropical island ok). Seriously I have even been craving chocolate and we all know I have a disagreement with that stuff but wow I am wanting it now! I think something is wrong with something inside of me, oh wait yes MY HEART IS BREAKING IN A MILLION PIECES! And don't go trying to make it better by saying things like "just think how much fun you and Honeyboo will have when they are all gone oh the places you two can go and the things you can do and think of the money you will have."

 HA HA HA Don't care I want my little men and I want them to stay until I get well old and then they have to stay and take care of me darn it (ok so none of the three of you have to change mommy but at least hire me a hot looking male nurse one who looks like well just make sure he is hot! and don't tell your step father!)

But alas, as my heart breaks no gets stomped on into a million and 25 pieces, the realization of it is that Granny (oh i am gonna admit this and can not believe it but well) was right they walked on my toes, they have caused me many gray hairs and sleepless nights (shocking I do not have an ulcer) none of which I would trade for the world but now they are walking firmly not softly on my heart! No they are smacking it with all they have.

So November has not always been good to me and this year is no exception. I am sad and I wanna be sad for the rest of the month (alright at least a week or 2) and then I will pick myself up, fix my wig and go forth with a smile like nothing is out of place! I can do that, thing is will y'all let me do that? And I know I am not the first momma to ever have a son leave home, but dang it it feels like it! So with this off my chest, I am going to soak in calgon until all my troubles are washed away! And yes there will be many tears streaming down!

Sunday, January 27, 2013


So it has been a while since I have blogged my mind. I am at a point where I need to vent. I am thankful for the computer as I can actually type faster then I can write and my head does not get to much faster then my brain. But man talk about changes since my last post. It has been a whirlwind and I hoped and prayed it would slow but it ain't gonna til the fat lady sings! And since we all know I am "fluffy" and can not sing help us all.

So in case you are curious, here is about when it started. Back in September/October Bill finally heard from GE. Now keep in mind he applied (ok so he was working at Salem and I called him on the phone and we did his application on the phone) in May. I remember the day well as it was pouring down rain and I had decided to not try and drive to Wesleyan with all the water standing. I helped him took us almost 2 hours but he was headed to San Antonio so we had time. Anywhoot, he got an email from them and responded. Then it was like a whirlwind of hurry up and do this that and the other. The original plan was to stay in Mineral Wells until the end of the school year but a 70 something mile drive one way prompted a near midnight move two weeks before Christmas. Now I am seeing a pattern here with us and Christmas. I mean in 2011 we moved two weeks before Christmas to Mineral Wells and here we go again. Finding a house in the area of Saginaw/Haslet/Justin was no easy feat. We took what was available and semi affordable. Its not the best place but hey it helped relieve some stress. Change numbero uno!
The second change is that Gus turned 20 and graduated from Fire Academy. No small feat for him but he did it with pride and dignity. He got up everyday no matter what (even when Gus became one with the bus) and went. Yes there were days he worried about running out of gas but he never once faltered and he finished with pride. I am proud of him. Finding a job has not been an easy task for him and he has tried. The thing is most of the fire academy's around here (with the exception of Ft. Worth and Arlington) have dis-combined their emt/paramedic program from their fire program. And therefore that part of what he needs has become a part time program and he does not get any financial assistance. Now the crappy part is that we can not afford for him to go. He has explored options and has decided to join the Navy. He will not really be losing his "fire stuff" but this will help him in more ways then one. I am proud of him and held him up when he felt like falling and failing just as he has done me many times. Thing that I will miss the most when he is "gone" is his quirky little sayings and jokes like this one "if this Navy thing does not work I am going to go be a rodeo clown." Yes Gus you can do that to just be the best one you can be. So I am thinking at least I will have a place or places to go visit for vacation.... CHANGE NUMBER 2!

With the moving of schools, Javier has found his place. He has found a school Ponder High School where they take him for what he is BIG and funny. Holy cow wait for it............. a little drum roll........ HE EVEN MADE FRIENDS THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL AND HAS BEEN GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE AND DOING STUFF.... like joining the ( no laughter please even though I know you are ) Bowling team. Wait did the words HE JOINED THE BOWLING TEAM AND GET OUT OF THE HOUSE just roll off my lips? Yes they did. He seems content here and well happy. He even told them day one "yes I will play football for you." ( yes he made several coaches very happy with that) And in less then a month, he will turn 17 and well as soon as I can he will be legally allowed to drive by himself.  His plan is to do his early enlist this summer and then poof his senior year be gone like a freight train. OK but I will miss you too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????? see change number 3..

And my sweet Pablo. Oh he has blended right in at Ponder. He like Javi is loving it. I mean who would not as they made the total high school attendance 349? Academically his is looking at trying to graduate early but that task may be easier said then done. Oh he can do it but will he?????? Yes this is Pablo we are talking about you know "mini me?" NO COMMENT NEEDED FROM ANYONE OK!?! And he has decided to stick with soccer and although they do not have it a the school, we got a recommendation of where to go in Denton for him. And according to the school counselor, they have a couple of kids on that team who have scholarships so welcome change number 4. And yes he begins the process of driving this summer.

But for me turning 40 (yes husband I said it) has been well I have no words really.  I am less tolerant of stupid stuff then in the past and the phrase "it is what it is" seems to be becoming my daily mantra. I know that I have been having to wear my contacts/glasses like I was supposed to and have noticed gray hairs springing up- I am certain that my husband playing real life "angry birds" with my gray hairs is not helping but hey they make hair color right? Maybe I will go blonde or Lucy red or Elvira black? There are so many choices. And yes I "went home" to Wesleyan. As a favorite professor of mine mentioned "you had your fun at THAT University so now it is time to come home and roost." Well honestly I missed it. I know I know none of you need to say a word, I get it ok now just back away slowly. If I make it through this semester ( isn't there a song called If we make it through December?) I will have accomplished a grave amount. Oh there has already (unknown to husband, kids and you) a massive amount of tears and fears and I can't do this what the hell was I on crack ( thanks guys for letting me bawl and scream you know who you are and listening to my self doubt and negativity) words but in the end it will teach me something. That something I have yet to decipher. And I have been a "less then pleasant grouch" lately. I am blaming hormones, but who knows maybe I am turning into a grumpy old lady....

So with all these changes, I have decided to live on xanax and vodka and coffee..(that should be great for my kidneys and baldder huh?) HAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAA  NOT! but I am thinking it might help.......... So if you see me in the next couple of weeks, or call me, understand that if I look at you like you are an alien, up from one of the 18 million chapters from 56 trillion books I have to read  or I do not recognize your voice, it is not you and you have done nothing wrong i will just be in the midst of trying to decipher you from the reading and writing and project making....... Oh and trust me I have searched high and low for books on tape to assist me but there are none I even googled cliff notes for them and nope not getting any help there! ( Did I just admit that out loud?)

So for the curious here is the schedule:
American Government and Texas Government (not too bad just from inception of Constitution to current)

History of Texas (note from prehistoric dinosaur to current just to give you an idea)

Religion of Old Testament ( yep ALL the book in the old testament hey at least I can complete assignments here early)

Criminology (hmmm well it will be fun and interesting)

With all these changes, I am off to read now...... Hope you understand.... Oh and well see I forgot......


Friday, October 12, 2012

WHAT THE???????????????????????

So normally when something gets me this "upset" I deal with it and pray, but this is gonna need more then prayers. I typically avoid "political" debates and politics and go with my gut and my own observations, but PEOPLE listen to Auntie Jen......(even if you NEVER have or NEVER do again)
GET OFF YOU REAR AND VOTE NOVEMBER 6!!!!!!!!! Trust me your life depends on it and so does your loved ones life..... 

Now let me tell you what started my little rant today.... Couple weeks ago in class, someone mentioned that well this is going to be fun considering that we are all capped at 12 semesters for a pell grant. I did not really pay attention at that time, but asked a friend today if they had heard anything about it and the reply was no you can get a pell until you got to graduate school.... WELL let me tell ya...........  this is what I found this morning......

"Did you know there’s a maximum amount of Federal Pell Grant funds you can receive over your lifetime?Learn what the Federal Pell Grant limits are and how your remaining eligibility is calculated." ( taken from the US Dept. of Education website)

 and here's where you need to check and see what you gotta do....

So uhm yes I got this little bit of disturbing news... I am publishing the link for all my peeps who well like me had not a freaking clue. I am mad, and upset.  Now before I go off on one of my classic rants, I heard about it through someone else, and asked someone else and then found it in on the Dept of Edu site this morning. I looked at it read it and then checked it out. I even called and voiced my concern and frustration. The reply was and I quote LeAnne at the Dept of Edu here " well your financial aid department should have sent notice to you by March of this year." EXCUSE ME? So I called the financial aid office and they were confused as to the fact that they were the ones who were supposed to let students know their reply was "we were told the dept of edu was sending notice." RIGHT! Now I get the whole "Jen you are dealing with the government" issue and the right hand forgets about the left hand but somewhere 1000's of us have missed the memo.... 

So yep it is true, and if I missed the previous memo about this well humpt! All I can say is this is gonna hurt A LOT of folks including incoming college freshman. In the words of a local coach "THAT IS A BULLCORN PLAY AND YOU KNOW IT!" yep uhhu yep you got it. I am fit to be tied. Oh and as an added bouns, they the Dept of Edu has made this RETROACTIVE meaning like me I took classes many moons ago and well yep it counts towards my 12 semesters.! Holy hole in the donut batman get the bat phone and call up old Barrack I gotta bone to hammer over with him. Let me tell you Mr. Barrack you suck! There I said it and I am not ashamed of saying it. If you want feel free to send your cronies after me hell I will even turn myself in. Your "administration" and yourself desire a lot. Again this is truly the first time IN WRITING I have voiced my true feelings for you and your "administration." Your folks have made mention that student loan debt has surpassed credit card debt. YOU THINK? Gee don't need a degree to tell me that.... But I think what really pisses me off is the fact that we full blooded American Citizens are dealing with crap that we under the Constitution and Bill of Rights should not have to be putting up with. You want people to get a job, we have to get an education but now we are not afforded that opportunity with the "cap." So in order to now complete my degree I have to get a job and pay for it myself. Now I am not saying I am against that but I think that the Dept of Edu and your Administration should have said "ok from X date you are only allowed 12 semesters for grants!" That I can do. And gee Mr. Barrack was this little memo trapped in the thousands upon thousands of pages of the "health care bill" that really has only about 10% to do with actual healthcare? Most likely since we again American Citizens who have a given right to see it, have not been allowed unless are "leaders" voted for it. And then good luck finding a copy.!

PEEPS, you gotta get the lead out start researching and stop listening to gossip and the media. Stop sticking your head in the sand and thinking it is gonna get better. It might but not perhaps in our lifetimes if we do not take a stand and start yelling at the top of our lungs until we can not yell any more.  You gotta look it up for yourself and make sure that whatever it is you are seeking is not some facebook, twitter, etc gossip mill published by the media. The debates are over and I am hoping that you either watched and listened intently or at least have a clue from your own personal experience that THIS AIN'T WORKIN' FRED with Obama and his "peeps." Now I know I am gonna lose a lot of you as friends with my opinion of Obama  it is ok i still love ya, but mark my words if you don't get off your fanny and VOTE then lord please help us all. (ya'll just remember that when I am in the federal pen, to bring me cookies and dr pepper ok got it....I hear from Martha that it ain't so bad..... Hell the man will most likely call for my head after this little rant....)

Seriously Mr. Barrack, who in the cathair do you think you truly are? I mean sir, pardon the expression that you suck, but you have taken thriving cities and they have gone under. All but wiped off the map. You have told major corporations what to do with their head employees which well may not have been a bad thing but you have truly overstepped your authority. Veterans who have given their lives for this country, are now with families in tow living under a bridge. And you say you were bringing change. Well where is the change sir? Oh wait change perhaps we AMERICAN CITIZENS misunderstood what change really was about it is that silver stuff and some of it copper in the bottoms of our purses, pants pockets etc. No wait there is none of that left either. Let me describe for you from my own "circle" what I have witnessed in the last couple of years.. I have watched NUMEROUS friends not just acquaintances, close life long friends whose hours and pay at work were drastically cut or they were completely terminated. Only to sit for months even years since you took over without a job.  I have numerous more who are consistently every pay day waiting for that letter of termination or phone call saying hey you have no job, including my own family. I have watched helplessly as my retired friends suffer through rising medical costs and health issues that they have to ignore cause well that ain't got the change or because the doctor no longer can help them because medicare and social security are broke. I have watched as 2 friends completely lost their houses through no fault of their own, and another who is a Veteran lose his and have to come out of retirement to take a job just to even remotely be able to keep his house. I have stood by and watched 6 thriving self employed business owners lose cars, as well as their houses and frankly lives. 2 of them are barley hanging on. So I ask you is this the change you wanted? Now I know Clintonbaby  and Bushey there are to blame for some of it but not all of it. It seems to me that more of this has come under your watch. Seriously, you are telling us AMERICAN CITIZENS who were born here, that well you have to do this that and this and if you do not then you can sit in the Federal Pen! Am I understanding you when you say change is coming? Well I been waiting on change and it ain't here yet.. Maybe your check got lost in the mail oh wait the postal service is about to go under well ok they can have my $3.....

 Well really it is humerus, as if you think about it, you would have shelter, laundry service, meal service, heat and air and be allowed internet access, and a bed, and well do I need to go on? Oh and health care plus access to and education.. Holy frogs sign my happy rear up right here and now! But I digress back to the issue at hand...

So Mr. Barrack, and fellow Barrackites, ( and yes I am using my mad black woman voice here) how you gonna tell me white, AMERICAN CITIZEN, female, mother of 3 who up until 3 years ago was a single mother making ends meet, that "well you need a job but my folks ain't gonna help you, but even if you do manage to get a degree then well there will be more training for that job that the company can  afford to pay for  you and well haaahaaa you have no money cause you spent all yours getting your original degree. But here just go with it maybe you can find a job maybe not". Do you not comprehend the fact that normal honest working their tail off AMERICANS are suffering here? No you honestly do not care.... Seriously Mr. Barrack, if something were to happen to my husband, my two under age 18 children would be out on the street under the nearest bridge even with me working.

It is funny to me as well I hear that again student loan debt has reached levels of tripling credit card debt but then yet you and your flunkies pull something like this and well the only option is to take out more student loans thus increasing the debt... Wow and I am uneducated and figured that out. HOLY FROGMAN, get me a chair in Washington! Sir, you either need to put down the pipe or get a new supplier cause NOTHING you have done in 4 years has made a lick of sense. And your little pal there right behind you well he is a joker..... 

Again I am either gonna lose a lot of you for this, gain a few of you or well Mr. Barrack's "henchmen" may come a knocking at the door.... HAAAAAA I think I still have the right to not answer right??? Oh rest assured folks I will answer.  And I will go quietly. You all know me well enough to know that I hardly ever speak out against "Our Commander in Chief" and do refer to them in the correct term as Mr. President, but Barrack he lost my respect long ago.... Oh sure I get on a roll at times just like the rest of us about Mr. President and not just the current one but this is really the first time I have ever out right spoken out against one in this manner. Typically I have respect for them and stand behind them no matter if I agree or not but this one well ya'll let him know that I would be happy to have a porch conversation with him any day of the week. All I can tell you is Mr. Barrack if you ever do offer me or anyone up a conversation about life in AMERICA, well you better be prepared for what is a coming in that conversation. I for one would have no problem telling you where you can stuff your junk and how to do it. I think a lot of us would do the same.

As for our grants I do not know exactly what I am gonna do.. I guess I will just fly by the seat of me pants and hook a left instead of right. Wish me luck right???????????? So please just listen to Auntie Jen, she don't care whose team you vote for but just get out there and do it.. I am serious folks, you need to write your leaders senators, congressmen and women, governor etc. Make your voice heard literally and with your vote. 

There finished complete and done! Nothing more from me until the election.  Oh and in case you are curious since the retroactive grant thing is in place yes Spring of 2013 will be my last NOT MY LAST but financial wise my last. We can not afford for me to complete my degree any more then we can afford for us to start paying back my student loans. Don't know what I am gonna do other then PRAY and PRAY that you all will go VOTE and make it know that in the words of Twisted Sister "We're not gonna take it anymore!"

Love, smooches, hugs, and froggie kisses

Sunday, March 25, 2012

I have had a dream!

Ok so no I am not going to try and quote Dr. Martin Luther King, but I have no other way to put it. So ok I stole a little of it but the credit goes to him sort of. And yes I know it has been a while since I last blogged and not that I have been too busy or have had nothing to vent/discuss about it is just I have not done it. So that said here we go...........

See in 2009, something inside me grabbed a hold and gave me a relentless thirst and hunger. Nothing and I mean nothing would subdue it until I followed and obeyed God. I laughed when I got that vision ok DREAM but nothing would let go until I listened and again obeyed. It was in July in the hot of the summer three days before Independence Day and so help me not only was I thirsty and hungry, but the car well was being controlled by something other then me. I knew on the 2nd of July, when I left my job at the county hospital with paycheck in hand, that I would not be returning. I knew that we, me and three kids would someway, somehow make it. I just knew. That is called faith and trust. So 5 o'clock came and I left cheery not beaten down like most days, but happy. That night, I could not sleep. I did more then toss and turn, so much so the dog even got frustrated with me and departed for the couch. I had not really discussed this dream with ANYONE! So July 3rd comes and I am up and I do mean up. I got showered and dressed told the kids I would be back. I headed coffee in hand out the door and to Texas Wesleyan University. Oh I had look at TX Woman's and TCC but NOTHING would stop me. I did not know why or how come, but it was what was being expected of me. I made the 30 minute drive to the Wesleyan neighborhood made my way up to admissions and went in. BOOM just like that it was done.I was set for some classes, and and intended major of Sociology.  I reported to the Financial Aid office, and scheduled my Accuplacer test for the following week. Really it was that easy? Yes it was. So with that the hunger and thirst ceased to exist. It was awesome but scarey at the same time. So I went home and the "little people" whom were no coherent upon my departure had been up wondering what the heck had lit the fire under their momma. One had just returned from Alaska and the other two were simply blown out the window with their mother. So over dinner, I told them that their mother had possibly lost her mind and was going back to school full time. They never asked how we gonna eat, or do this that or the other, in fact they were my biggest supporters.  Oh just to make sure this was what and who I was hearing from I got on line and tried to figure out if it would be cheaper for me to do my general education stuff at TCC. And you know what the thirst and hunger returned until I stopped. I called TWU in Denton, and well let us just say the reception I got was less then pleasant. They basically told me NO. FINE I hear ya God I get it now, can I please sleep? So with that I took my entrance test and scheduled my classes and at orientation, I changed my major or rather added a major of History with Secondary Certification as I let someone tell me that there were no jobs for Sociology/Social Work majors. Ok but I still want to do it. ( note Wesleyan's Sociology program is much like Social Work and not the true meaning of Sociology). Class and my "journey" of my dream began August 18, 2009. Now let us not discuss how many times my major has changed but just know I got it now... As in the words of Nike, JUST DO IT and I did.

So since that time, life has brought me many things some good some bad. What I do know is that I have changed my major SEVERAL times since 2009. So much so that well I am at the point where I have to declare one or sink. UGH the stress of that. So here is where the DREAM begins. See I have been wrestling with this not just since a couple weeks ago with the phone call from the registrar but for a while. I talked to God and said ok you put me here why will you not make this clear what you want. Oh and I even switched schools thinking this would help. NOPE only made things worse. So with that I have been asking the good Lord what do you want what do you want from me? So since I did not get it I declared something just to get the registrar off my rump and went on. But still something was lacking. There was no satisfaction in going through the motions of what I was taking. I even got to this semester and went Lord, just let me pass every class with a C and I will be happy. This however is not what the Lord intended for me and I get that. See sometimes, we pray, and ask and even though we are still, there are things that tend to well block our dreams from coming through. I know all to well about not listening and obeying and what can happen if you do not. You wind up not being satisfied and then wind up with a lot of "junk/baggage" that you never intended to carry. I know trust me on this. But see even though I was clouded, finally it came through and funny thing is it had been right in front of me all the time, I was just missing it entirely due to well myself. Oh I thought I was obeying and listening and following and for the most part, I was, BUT like it or not something from my past opened the door up for me. See it came to me in a dream and then I began to notice things around me and things I was doing for people and to people. I guess as I have been told more then once, I have an old soul who is full of kindness and patience. HUH are you and I talking about me cause let me tell ya the later part well I laugh about it but ok if you say so. So back to my dream...

I dreamed one night of things from a past job that was a "helping" people position. In case you do not know, I was a dispatcher for a local police/fire department. It was an odd thing for me. I had patience and no panic for others but when it came to my own family and loved ones well that went out the door. I could make everybody else feel calm and reassured but not myself. Now before you start think about it. No this was not the trying to please everybody to make them happy to make me happy it was an odd thing about me. So when "burn out" struck and I left where did I go? Well I stayed home with the "little people" but I got tired of that and well went into another helping position of sorts. I went to work in the Special Education Department in a local school district. Yes I enjoyed it but again I was not satisfied and soon found myself bored and hungry ( oh that word ) for more. I played with going back to school and did at a vocational place and well whatever that blew.. So then, I went to work for a friend whose husband is an attorney. Well yes I liked it and she and I discussed me going to paralegal school and eventually becoming an attorney which had been a childhood dream. I considered it but lurking was another opportunity in a helping position, with the State of Texas. Alright you are the good Lord and I suppose you know what you are doing but seriously I have no tolerance for the complaining and crying that goes on with this job. So I sucked it up and did it. I went to work for Health and Human Services in a capacity to approve or deny folks for public assistance. I know it was as my dispatchers job, a severely thankless job but in a weird way I enjoyed it. So what am I glutton for punishment? I suppose. But again I still lacked something to keep me tied to that ball and chain. I toyed with the idea of going back to school and still working there but then things in life got in the way. So I found another job closer to home ( I was working in Denton at HHSC ) again in Special Education until a turn of events forced me to leave. Looking back on those events, how much clearer could my answer have been? I mean when the kid over dosed and wound up in rehab, I was surrounded by my dream. Hang on I will explain.

So see God had put in my path people such as psychologists, social workers, and an assortment of other mental health folks or folks that help people "rebuild" their lives. I just heard it and saw it and smirked really I am not the one you want helping these folks, as well you know my life is all sorts of messed up beyond repair or FUBAR as they say. HA seriously God was wanting me of all people ME to do this. I just kept right on laughing so HE turned up the heat and gave me just enough to keep me tethered to the bean pole hanging in the wind and what a wind it has been. So back to me dream. I had just about given up when one night, HE gave me a dream or vision of sorts. I talked to the Honeyboo and told him what I was thinking about doing and he said PRAY. Ok fine was hoping you dear, loving husband love of my life would have given me a better answered. And oh from my three sisters from other mothers well the reaction was about the same.. FINE SOME HELP YOU PEOPLE ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just know I love you anyway. But see here is what I was missing, even though it is a smidgen hard for me to have patience and tolerance for my own family it is rather natural and easy for me to listen to others and help. I do not know why but it is. So that said I know this school getting my degree train has about worn some of you clean out but know that this time, I have it. I listened. I saw, and prayed. I heard and since I "gave in" things have been a little slower in my life. Oh I still have 4 semesters to go but at least I will be on the right track with the train. Oh and in case you have not discovered it, I am supposed to be a Social Worker. I have listened to the far left about how they make no money and how it is a meaningless job at times and how unrewarding it can be and I know that but for me that is not what it is about. God is gonna get me through it. I have faith and trust that this is what I am supposed to do. So just breathe and go with it! This summer, I will begin at Weatherford College in their Mental Health Provider program until I can transfer on into Tarleton to finish. And yes, I have in writing what will transfer and what won't. In any case after the Fall 2012, I can at least start reaping some rewards of my work and effort as a Substance Abuse Counselor. Then while working part time doing that, it is intended for me to go onto Tarleton and get my BSW and possibly my Masters in Social Work. And yes even though I want to go to Law School, perhaps when God says Ok, I will go but for now, this is what and where I am supposed to be. And it all started with a silly dream.

I hope that this will help just one of you. I hope that you will learn to listen and look at what God is throwing at you. See for me I was so burnt out from dispatching that I wanted NOTHING to do with anything like it including helping people. This was my rebellion against God. Ok got it hear ya loud and clear and am following.

I love you all...... =)

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Part II

Alright so when I left you in suspense, they had given me a shot to induce labor that had halted.

So here we go up and down this rollercoaster and finally around 3:00 p.m. the nurse (not nurse Carol- she was there already) came in and they discussed things and well let us say we all moved quickly. Carlos at this point had reduced to a puddle on the floor yes he passed out... Thank goodness Carol was there. The stomach pain was worse and Dr. Reed really did not make it in time. It was both nurses who delivered Javi at 3:09 p.m. All 7 pounds 11 ounces of him. But it was a race for life charlie brown....

Dr. Reed came in as Carol and the delivery nurse were working on Javi. It was not good. Dr. Reed sprung into action and began yelling things like get NICU team here and other things. I knew something was not right. I kept asking what was wrong and Carol kept telling me nothing. Finally Dr. Reed let an older gentleman take over his spot and came to the bedside. The words he told me scared me. He told me that the umbilical cord was around Javi's neck and that he was not breathing. They were doing everything possible to get him to breathe. For what seemed like hours but in reality was only 3 minutes Javi did not breathe. During this time, people came in and out and in and out. I was cold and I remember screaming for them to stop and let me hold him. IT was there at this point that Javi opened his eyes and screamed. And it was a scream loud enough that folks passing by in the hallway heard him. So there he was breathing and coughing. They made sure he was not going to stop breathing again and brought him to me... All he seemed to want to do was eat!

So there it is, how the runt went from 7-11 to be 16 today all 6-4 of him...

Monday, February 6, 2012

Part I

This is a two part story... You have to bear with me and just go with it. But this is how it all began...

It was 1996. Number 2 as we called him was not due for two more weeks. Valentine Day to be exact. It was a hard pregnancy. Two amniocentesis, combined with strep and the flu and an assortment pack of other major issues. At the last amnio, the doctor told us that there could problems with the baby. Connective tissue and Down's syndrome were prevalent in all tests. We prepared to deal with the worst as the doctor laid it on the line and told us the baby had a high chance of being still born. Not the words you want and need to hear but I thank her for her honesty to this day. And they asked us at every sonogram and amnio if we wanted to know the baby's sex and we declined.

Now here is the odd and funny part if you will. My doctor at the time was pregnant so was her nurse. And to add to this, all 3 of us were due only a week apart with the doctor scheduled to deliver first, then me then the nurse. As if there is not enough proof in the world that it is a small world, the nurse lived 5 blocks from us at that time. So I went in for my usual daily visit as I had been going in every other day then every day since 25 weeks, and low and behold on the 6th of February, the doctor delivered her baby girl. Great I thought. Wonderful. Will the substitute doc know what to do with me and for me?? Oh he did.... I went in and Carol the nurse sent me upstairs to his office after she did her thing and told me about Dr. Parker. I was happy and she and I laughed as we joked about delivering on the same day. I saw the substitute doc who rush ordered a sonogram not the typical one but a more exhaustive one. We waited in his office for the results. He came in with a worried look on his face. He looked at Carlos and me and the chart seriously. He then utter these words and I have no clue why they haunt me to this day but they do " the baby is going to be uh rather large and I am concerned about delivery I did the exhaustive testing to make certain the lungs are working and I am scheduling you to induction tomorrow morning." Huh?? What do you mean tomorrow morning? I mean the baby is not set to come until Valentine's Day.. "well I am thinking this baby maybe as large as your first baby and I do not want to put you through that stress and everything is fine with the baby it is breathing and the lungs are working." Fine perhaps you do know what you are doing but ok.... So off we go back home to prepare for the baby.... Neither of us nor the house were ready and Gus sure was not but he got to go to Granny's and spend the night so he really did not care...

Later that evening as we began getting ready and went to bed, my stomach started to hurt in the weirdest spot. I assumed it was gas pains from all the coughing and all that. Well let me tell ya, this baby must have heard the doctor and heard what time we had to be at the hospital which by the way was check in at 3 a.m. A little after midnight, my water broke and Carlos ( god love him ) was so nervous and anxious that yes I literally had to drive myself contractions and all to the hospital.... The contractions were mild or so I was told but I just know my back freaking hurt and so did my stomach. Lord could it be my appendix I thought? I mean why not I had had everything else under the sun during that pregnancy. So heading down I-30 into the hospital district I told Carlos you may have to drive I am getting dizzy and sick at my stomach all the while he is heaving into the trash can. We made it to Harris downtown and were rushed upstairs. I have not a clue to this day who parked the car, I just know that the labor and delivery nurse brought the keys to us shortly after we arrived.

The nurses scanned the paperwork and were like we are not supposed to see you for 2 more hours what happened?? Hell if I could answer that I would be able to make my stomach stop hurting. Carlos was trying to convey to Granny over the phone in broken spanglish where we were and what happened. Evidently it did not translate well as she sent  mother to our house and from there her deductive reasoning skills kicked in and she finally made it to the hospital. An hour after our arrival at the hospital, everything stopped as in someone hit the switch and turned it off.

From the hallway, I could hear a familiar, comforting voice of Dr. Parker, barking out orders and yelling for Dr. Reed the substitute. The door burst open and in she came. I told her she had looked better as remember she had delivered only hours earlier. So here we go with the nasty stuff to make labor begin again and here goes my stomach ache again.

Finally at 2:30 p.m. that afternoon we got somewhere and it took nurse Carol holding my hand. And from there it was all down hill as they say.

So now I am keeping you in suspense until later.......

Friday, January 6, 2012

What to do What to do??????

So a week ago, I was preparing to send Blondie off into the wild blue yonder of the world. I had promised my self I would not let him see my cry. This was after all, his decision. But none the less, it was going to be hard. I knew this. So Saturday morning rolled around and off we went to the north. No not to Alaska but Oklahoma half way between Blondie's home and that other place known as Kansas. Well Blondie made it a almost a week before the text messages and calls began with I WANT TO COME HOME or my favorite HOW MUCH IS A TRAIN TICKET? I spoke with him and we discussed and cussed it and decided he would stay until months end. Ok fair and square. He was gonna stick with the plan. Done end of argument.

Until this afternoon. I got a call. Blondie's number came up on my phone. I knew it was unusual so I hurriedly answered it. OK I was in traffic on 30 at the 35 split but I answered it cause well my baby might need me! AND BOY DID HE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Through the years I have learned the sounds of my monkey's voice when it is something and when it is not. I could hear the tears falling. So I asked him what was wrong and his reply stopped my heart. He told me he was at the hospital and the nurse needed to talk to me. PANIC is not the word for what happened especially at 65 miles an hour.. Ok 75 but who saw my speed o meter??? HUh HUH??? What I thought.... The nurse sweet sounding and motherly like tone explained what she could.... That he had been brought in by ambulance, and that at this time they were waiting on the orthopedic surgeon to read and review the x ray but his foot and ankle were broken and there may be a chance for surgery. HOLD THE BAT PHONE! I am 700 miles from my baby and you are gonna do what when and where? OH I DO NOT THINK SO watch this. I bet my hiney would have made it to Kansas in record time. Ok so at the safe speed I was doing I had by this point missed the 35 North exit.... hmmmmm good thing..... So I gave the nurse the information she needed and she hung up... WAIT PUT BLONDIE BACK ON THE LINE>>>>.....

So I came on home calling honeyboo immediately after hanging up with Blondie and the wait began. It seemed like forever but it was only about an hour. Long short of it, no surgery is needed at this time. It is like a fracture but not completely in two. They call it a "buckle fracture." So here I sit.

Blondie called and to quote " I am done with this place I am coming home one way or another!" Ok ok lovely son I  hear ya, but I am trying... So my quandary is this........ GO GET HIM LIKE A WORRIED MOMMY SHOULD or LET HIM SURVIVE????? UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH

I mean I get it, if he was off in the military, I could not go get him. OH believe me I would try but most likely FAIL epically.... He is only in Kansas so I could go.... But I digress we have to wait for a phone call tomorrow to verify some information BEFORE I can make that mommy decision....

Why oh why does mommyhood have to be this difficult???

Nighty Nite......