Sunday, September 25, 2011

And the Storm Rages on.......

Conflict is described by Websters Dictionary as competitive or opposing action of incompatibles and mental struggle resulting from need, drive, wishes or external and internal demands. And before any of you hit the panic button and declare crowd control this is not about me and Honeyboo.

I describe it as PURE HELL!!!!!!!!!!! The later for the last year I have wrestled with daily. Oh what to do what to do! Go left in the road or go right in the road or just make my own road. I have relied on faith to get me where I am and to help me with the internal conflict but lately, I am not certain I am hearing what I should be. I can picture in my head my little "angels" who I named Fred and Ethel, fighting continuously and the good Lord just shaking his head in disgust at me and chuckling under his breath all the while going yes Jen, watch this now!! Well I am not laughing in fact I am becoming tired and restless. I am tired of fighting my Fred and Ethel ( I picture them with those blow up bats whacking away at each other going no it is my turn not its mine). I am tired of feeling one leg up four feet down the hole. I am relying on God to push me in the right direction. But my need right now is WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? WHICH WAY DO YOU WANT ME TO GO????? I hear ya but then I hear ya again. Which is it or is this a silly game you like to play with me to test my faith in you? Just when I think I have it figured out you push in the opposite direction! Well no more MR! I think I am gonna make my own road and see what happens.. HA fat chance...

But all kidding aside, I fight with myself day in day out. It is becoming that Honeyboo has noticed. Oh now again I do not need to be committed to the State institution for the insane well maybe I do but it is hell I tell ya hell. Or maybe I am terrified that I will not make it so I keep selling myself short and that is when the big guy steps in and says OK but I shall give you an unquenching thirst and hunger until you listen and follow as I say. I am not sure but I gotta have a serious chat with Fred and Ethel and THE BIG GUY. So then I say "self there is a reason he put you here and a reason he wants you to do this FIRST and then move onto the other." But my "self" does not always listen. Who knows. All I know is the Good Lord needs to swoop in down on my pea punkin head and bash me, Fred and Ethel FAST! Ok maybe he did that could explain the massive headache I have carried for the last two months or perhaps it is the kidney stone I still have. Either way, I just want to be happy and know what it is I am supposed to do. I need to hear it loud and clear.

But internal conflict is an issue. Those who know me know that up until this last year, I have not had an issue with it. I think part of my problem is GUILT! Oh not when I eat something I know I should not like pork, or chocolate or fried, greasy stuff but GUILT! Most of it is over the fact that Honeyboo has taken a vow of poverty with me and he honestly ( yes I am bawling ) stands beside and behind me on this school to get a career thing. What brings my guilt to the surface is the fact I feel like I can not help financially to his cause and the poor creature is working himself to death trying to make it for us. And then there are the times, when reality sets in and I go ok but he deserves his day in the sun as well. And the kids, even though they are older, they still need me even if they do not realize it. Take Curly for instance, had to take him in yesterday to the sports clinic to get an xray and looked at. Nothing major just some deep bone bruising in the growth plates and a pulled Achilles tendon but my point is, he needed momma to make it stop hurting and feel better, well that and some ice cream. But like going to the dentist we honestly can not afford it and had I done this years ago, maybe I would not feel guilty over that. Then there is the Gma. Yes, I feel like in some ways I am responsible for her financial downfall even though I know she created it. I just go well I had not have taken this poverty vow, she would maybe be ok.

So I am gonna go and sleep and see what the good Lord brings me in my dreams. Maybe I will have my answer and be able to move along down the yellow brick road. Who knows.  


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Where were you 4/19/95?

So if this date does not ring a bell for you, perhaps you should Google it and see as you are one of the many who have forgotten what happened...I have stewed on this for a few days, taming my emotions, and well have been a little busy to be able to post this. For some of you, you will say this blog post is full of jealousy. Some of you will say I am trying to minimize the events of 9-11. Neither is true, it just seems as though America has forgotten the first terror attack on this nation. All be it, "homegrown" or actual "trial run," it happened none the less. And the pain of this event has not been forgotten by all. In case you can not access Google, let me refresh your memory!

On the morning of April, 19, 1995 at 9:02 a.m., a coward, named Timothy McVeigh  cased the streets of Oklahoma City in a rented truck filled with explosives. Mr. McVeigh, parked the rented truck outside the Alfred P. Murrah Federal building which housed, numerous federal, state and local offices as well as an on site day care center. He parked  got out and walked away to watch as the truck blew killing 168 people including 19 children and injuring over 800 people before taking off. Co Conspirator, Terry Nichols, ( It is not clear if Nichols was actually at the scene or just waiting near by) had a car waiting by to get McVeigh out of the scene. Michael Fortier was found guilty of knowing of the plot and was charged as an accessory.

I will not forget just as with 9-11 what I was doing. It is just as it happened yesterday. Frankly, I had a 2 year old, had just lost baby number 2 and was at home doing dishes. I caught a glimpse of something on the TV and quickly read the underlying caption that it was from Oklahoma City. I stood frozen as people, some covered with blood and debris, were running screaming with no destination in mind. It was about this point that the first responders began to shove people further back as they suspected there was going to be another explosion. In the background you could see the building, shattered glass, and pieces hanging. This was the first time I, in my life had witnessed something this horrific and terrifying. I remember thinking what has happened? It did not sink in. Just as another explosion occurred, my phone rang. I suspected it was my Granny and answered with a hey. It was not. It was my best friend. Jen he said and my blood went cold is the TV on he asked. Yes it is, what has happened in OK city? So I breifely told him what was going on and before I could ask why he told me something I was not sure I understood. His Aunt, whom I loved as one of my own was in that building. She worked for Social Security. My blood went even colder in fact it froze. I asked him what he wanted me to do and he said pray, I am headed north. I told him just to hold off and let us see what happened. He argued back and forth with me and none of my persuasion would do. He went. As the news went on, and I learned that there was a chance someone I cared about was injured or worse, it was learned that the main impact of the explosion was under the on site day care center. I grabbed my little blondie and hugged him a little tighter as the tears began to flow. We learned a few days later that Aunt Dink had perished. With that news, I packed and we went to be with "family."

It has been speculated over the years that McVeigh and his "partner" Terry Nicholas had ties to the same folks that master minded 9-11. It also needs to be said that there is speculation that McVeigh cruised the streets in Fort Worth, in that same truck that morning early before he made the trek to Oklahoma. I understand the mass causality count was not as high or the event itself was as horrific as 9-11 but still it seems as though we have as a nation forgotten about Oklahoma and that in reality it was a terrorist attack on our nation. I know there had been bombings at the World Trade Centers before this date but it was just bombings as they say and they never honestly could say those were terror attacks. Oklahoma City seems forgotten but the majority of this nation. The 10th Anniversary warranted about a 30 second clip on the local and national news. There has been no fan fare and pomp and circumstance in the remembrance of it as a nation as a whole. The state of Oklahoma has done there own. In fact they sent teams of folks to help.

My point is this, and I really do not care whom it angers, Oklahoma will always be near and dear to my heart, just as much as 9-11 and New York City will be. We need not forget what happened that day. We need not forget how many innocent just as that fateful day in September how many innocent people lost their lives and how many children were affected by the event. Here is a little bio in case you are curious:

168 Deaths
19 Children
1 Resuce worker
30 Children Orphaned
219 Children lost one Parent
462 people homeless
7000 left with a place to work
387,000 people knew someone who was killed or injured

Over 300 buildings were destroyed by the blast.

So now that you look at it that way, it is just as horrific as 9-11. Oh not on the grand scale but none the less it is. Over 1,000 people survived-some with emotional scares, some with physical scars, some with both. Both events should serve as a reminder to us, American, One Nation under God, that life is precious no matter how less the loss or how great the loss. Oklahoma has continued to recover just as New York has and both have helped each other in the healing process.

So just as "We never forget 9-11, we should never forget 4-19-95."