Sunday, March 25, 2012

I have had a dream!

Ok so no I am not going to try and quote Dr. Martin Luther King, but I have no other way to put it. So ok I stole a little of it but the credit goes to him sort of. And yes I know it has been a while since I last blogged and not that I have been too busy or have had nothing to vent/discuss about it is just I have not done it. So that said here we go...........

See in 2009, something inside me grabbed a hold and gave me a relentless thirst and hunger. Nothing and I mean nothing would subdue it until I followed and obeyed God. I laughed when I got that vision ok DREAM but nothing would let go until I listened and again obeyed. It was in July in the hot of the summer three days before Independence Day and so help me not only was I thirsty and hungry, but the car well was being controlled by something other then me. I knew on the 2nd of July, when I left my job at the county hospital with paycheck in hand, that I would not be returning. I knew that we, me and three kids would someway, somehow make it. I just knew. That is called faith and trust. So 5 o'clock came and I left cheery not beaten down like most days, but happy. That night, I could not sleep. I did more then toss and turn, so much so the dog even got frustrated with me and departed for the couch. I had not really discussed this dream with ANYONE! So July 3rd comes and I am up and I do mean up. I got showered and dressed told the kids I would be back. I headed coffee in hand out the door and to Texas Wesleyan University. Oh I had look at TX Woman's and TCC but NOTHING would stop me. I did not know why or how come, but it was what was being expected of me. I made the 30 minute drive to the Wesleyan neighborhood made my way up to admissions and went in. BOOM just like that it was done.I was set for some classes, and and intended major of Sociology.  I reported to the Financial Aid office, and scheduled my Accuplacer test for the following week. Really it was that easy? Yes it was. So with that the hunger and thirst ceased to exist. It was awesome but scarey at the same time. So I went home and the "little people" whom were no coherent upon my departure had been up wondering what the heck had lit the fire under their momma. One had just returned from Alaska and the other two were simply blown out the window with their mother. So over dinner, I told them that their mother had possibly lost her mind and was going back to school full time. They never asked how we gonna eat, or do this that or the other, in fact they were my biggest supporters.  Oh just to make sure this was what and who I was hearing from I got on line and tried to figure out if it would be cheaper for me to do my general education stuff at TCC. And you know what the thirst and hunger returned until I stopped. I called TWU in Denton, and well let us just say the reception I got was less then pleasant. They basically told me NO. FINE I hear ya God I get it now, can I please sleep? So with that I took my entrance test and scheduled my classes and at orientation, I changed my major or rather added a major of History with Secondary Certification as I let someone tell me that there were no jobs for Sociology/Social Work majors. Ok but I still want to do it. ( note Wesleyan's Sociology program is much like Social Work and not the true meaning of Sociology). Class and my "journey" of my dream began August 18, 2009. Now let us not discuss how many times my major has changed but just know I got it now... As in the words of Nike, JUST DO IT and I did.

So since that time, life has brought me many things some good some bad. What I do know is that I have changed my major SEVERAL times since 2009. So much so that well I am at the point where I have to declare one or sink. UGH the stress of that. So here is where the DREAM begins. See I have been wrestling with this not just since a couple weeks ago with the phone call from the registrar but for a while. I talked to God and said ok you put me here why will you not make this clear what you want. Oh and I even switched schools thinking this would help. NOPE only made things worse. So with that I have been asking the good Lord what do you want what do you want from me? So since I did not get it I declared something just to get the registrar off my rump and went on. But still something was lacking. There was no satisfaction in going through the motions of what I was taking. I even got to this semester and went Lord, just let me pass every class with a C and I will be happy. This however is not what the Lord intended for me and I get that. See sometimes, we pray, and ask and even though we are still, there are things that tend to well block our dreams from coming through. I know all to well about not listening and obeying and what can happen if you do not. You wind up not being satisfied and then wind up with a lot of "junk/baggage" that you never intended to carry. I know trust me on this. But see even though I was clouded, finally it came through and funny thing is it had been right in front of me all the time, I was just missing it entirely due to well myself. Oh I thought I was obeying and listening and following and for the most part, I was, BUT like it or not something from my past opened the door up for me. See it came to me in a dream and then I began to notice things around me and things I was doing for people and to people. I guess as I have been told more then once, I have an old soul who is full of kindness and patience. HUH are you and I talking about me cause let me tell ya the later part well I laugh about it but ok if you say so. So back to my dream...

I dreamed one night of things from a past job that was a "helping" people position. In case you do not know, I was a dispatcher for a local police/fire department. It was an odd thing for me. I had patience and no panic for others but when it came to my own family and loved ones well that went out the door. I could make everybody else feel calm and reassured but not myself. Now before you start think about it. No this was not the trying to please everybody to make them happy to make me happy it was an odd thing about me. So when "burn out" struck and I left where did I go? Well I stayed home with the "little people" but I got tired of that and well went into another helping position of sorts. I went to work in the Special Education Department in a local school district. Yes I enjoyed it but again I was not satisfied and soon found myself bored and hungry ( oh that word ) for more. I played with going back to school and did at a vocational place and well whatever that blew.. So then, I went to work for a friend whose husband is an attorney. Well yes I liked it and she and I discussed me going to paralegal school and eventually becoming an attorney which had been a childhood dream. I considered it but lurking was another opportunity in a helping position, with the State of Texas. Alright you are the good Lord and I suppose you know what you are doing but seriously I have no tolerance for the complaining and crying that goes on with this job. So I sucked it up and did it. I went to work for Health and Human Services in a capacity to approve or deny folks for public assistance. I know it was as my dispatchers job, a severely thankless job but in a weird way I enjoyed it. So what am I glutton for punishment? I suppose. But again I still lacked something to keep me tied to that ball and chain. I toyed with the idea of going back to school and still working there but then things in life got in the way. So I found another job closer to home ( I was working in Denton at HHSC ) again in Special Education until a turn of events forced me to leave. Looking back on those events, how much clearer could my answer have been? I mean when the kid over dosed and wound up in rehab, I was surrounded by my dream. Hang on I will explain.

So see God had put in my path people such as psychologists, social workers, and an assortment of other mental health folks or folks that help people "rebuild" their lives. I just heard it and saw it and smirked really I am not the one you want helping these folks, as well you know my life is all sorts of messed up beyond repair or FUBAR as they say. HA seriously God was wanting me of all people ME to do this. I just kept right on laughing so HE turned up the heat and gave me just enough to keep me tethered to the bean pole hanging in the wind and what a wind it has been. So back to me dream. I had just about given up when one night, HE gave me a dream or vision of sorts. I talked to the Honeyboo and told him what I was thinking about doing and he said PRAY. Ok fine was hoping you dear, loving husband love of my life would have given me a better answered. And oh from my three sisters from other mothers well the reaction was about the same.. FINE SOME HELP YOU PEOPLE ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just know I love you anyway. But see here is what I was missing, even though it is a smidgen hard for me to have patience and tolerance for my own family it is rather natural and easy for me to listen to others and help. I do not know why but it is. So that said I know this school getting my degree train has about worn some of you clean out but know that this time, I have it. I listened. I saw, and prayed. I heard and since I "gave in" things have been a little slower in my life. Oh I still have 4 semesters to go but at least I will be on the right track with the train. Oh and in case you have not discovered it, I am supposed to be a Social Worker. I have listened to the far left about how they make no money and how it is a meaningless job at times and how unrewarding it can be and I know that but for me that is not what it is about. God is gonna get me through it. I have faith and trust that this is what I am supposed to do. So just breathe and go with it! This summer, I will begin at Weatherford College in their Mental Health Provider program until I can transfer on into Tarleton to finish. And yes, I have in writing what will transfer and what won't. In any case after the Fall 2012, I can at least start reaping some rewards of my work and effort as a Substance Abuse Counselor. Then while working part time doing that, it is intended for me to go onto Tarleton and get my BSW and possibly my Masters in Social Work. And yes even though I want to go to Law School, perhaps when God says Ok, I will go but for now, this is what and where I am supposed to be. And it all started with a silly dream.

I hope that this will help just one of you. I hope that you will learn to listen and look at what God is throwing at you. See for me I was so burnt out from dispatching that I wanted NOTHING to do with anything like it including helping people. This was my rebellion against God. Ok got it hear ya loud and clear and am following.

I love you all...... =)