I have had a dream!

Ok so no I am not going to try and quote Dr. Martin Luther King, but I have no other way to put it. So ok I stole a little of it but the credit goes to him sort of. And yes I know it has been a while since I last blogged and not that I have been too busy or have had nothing to vent/discuss about it is just I have not done it. So that said here we go...........

See in 2009, something inside me grabbed a hold and gave me a relentless thirst and hunger. Nothing and I mean nothing would subdue it until I followed and obeyed God. I laughed when I got that vision ok DREAM but nothing would let go until I listened and again obeyed. It was in July in the hot of the summer three days before Independence Day and so help me not only was I thirsty and hungry, but the car well was being controlled by something other then me. I knew on the 2nd of July, when I left my job at the county hospital with paycheck in hand, that I would not be returning. I knew that we, me and three kids would someway, somehow make it. I just knew. That is called faith and trust. So 5 o'clock came and I left cheery not beaten down like most days, but happy. That night, I could not sleep. I did more then toss and turn, so much so the dog even got frustrated with me and departed for the couch. I had not really discussed this dream with ANYONE! So July 3rd comes and I am up and I do mean up. I got showered and dressed told the kids I would be back. I headed coffee in hand out the door and to Texas Wesleyan University. Oh I had look at TX Woman's and TCC but NOTHING would stop me. I did not know why or how come, but it was what was being expected of me. I made the 30 minute drive to the Wesleyan neighborhood made my way up to admissions and went in. BOOM just like that it was done.I was set for some classes, and and intended major of Sociology.  I reported to the Financial Aid office, and scheduled my Accuplacer test for the following week. Really it was that easy? Yes it was. So with that the hunger and thirst ceased to exist. It was awesome but scarey at the same time. So I went home and the "little people" whom were no coherent upon my departure had been up wondering what the heck had lit the fire under their momma. One had just returned from Alaska and the other two were simply blown out the window with their mother. So over dinner, I told them that their mother had possibly lost her mind and was going back to school full time. They never asked how we gonna eat, or do this that or the other, in fact they were my biggest supporters.  Oh just to make sure this was what and who I was hearing from I got on line and tried to figure out if it would be cheaper for me to do my general education stuff at TCC. And you know what the thirst and hunger returned until I stopped. I called TWU in Denton, and well let us just say the reception I got was less then pleasant. They basically told me NO. FINE I hear ya God I get it now, can I please sleep? So with that I took my entrance test and scheduled my classes and at orientation, I changed my major or rather added a major of History with Secondary Certification as I let someone tell me that there were no jobs for Sociology/Social Work majors. Ok but I still want to do it. ( note Wesleyan's Sociology program is much like Social Work and not the true meaning of Sociology). Class and my "journey" of my dream began August 18, 2009. Now let us not discuss how many times my major has changed but just know I got it now... As in the words of Nike, JUST DO IT and I did.

So since that time, life has brought me many things some good some bad. What I do know is that I have changed my major SEVERAL times since 2009. So much so that well I am at the point where I have to declare one or sink. UGH the stress of that. So here is where the DREAM begins. See I have been wrestling with this not just since a couple weeks ago with the phone call from the registrar but for a while. I talked to God and said ok you put me here why will you not make this clear what you want. Oh and I even switched schools thinking this would help. NOPE only made things worse. So with that I have been asking the good Lord what do you want what do you want from me? So since I did not get it I declared something just to get the registrar off my rump and went on. But still something was lacking. There was no satisfaction in going through the motions of what I was taking. I even got to this semester and went Lord, just let me pass every class with a C and I will be happy. This however is not what the Lord intended for me and I get that. See sometimes, we pray, and ask and even though we are still, there are things that tend to well block our dreams from coming through. I know all to well about not listening and obeying and what can happen if you do not. You wind up not being satisfied and then wind up with a lot of "junk/baggage" that you never intended to carry. I know trust me on this. But see even though I was clouded, finally it came through and funny thing is it had been right in front of me all the time, I was just missing it entirely due to well myself. Oh I thought I was obeying and listening and following and for the most part, I was, BUT like it or not something from my past opened the door up for me. See it came to me in a dream and then I began to notice things around me and things I was doing for people and to people. I guess as I have been told more then once, I have an old soul who is full of kindness and patience. HUH are you and I talking about me cause let me tell ya the later part well I laugh about it but ok if you say so. So back to my dream...

I dreamed one night of things from a past job that was a "helping" people position. In case you do not know, I was a dispatcher for a local police/fire department. It was an odd thing for me. I had patience and no panic for others but when it came to my own family and loved ones well that went out the door. I could make everybody else feel calm and reassured but not myself. Now before you start think about it. No this was not the trying to please everybody to make them happy to make me happy it was an odd thing about me. So when "burn out" struck and I left where did I go? Well I stayed home with the "little people" but I got tired of that and well went into another helping position of sorts. I went to work in the Special Education Department in a local school district. Yes I enjoyed it but again I was not satisfied and soon found myself bored and hungry ( oh that word ) for more. I played with going back to school and did at a vocational place and well whatever that blew.. So then, I went to work for a friend whose husband is an attorney. Well yes I liked it and she and I discussed me going to paralegal school and eventually becoming an attorney which had been a childhood dream. I considered it but lurking was another opportunity in a helping position, with the State of Texas. Alright you are the good Lord and I suppose you know what you are doing but seriously I have no tolerance for the complaining and crying that goes on with this job. So I sucked it up and did it. I went to work for Health and Human Services in a capacity to approve or deny folks for public assistance. I know it was as my dispatchers job, a severely thankless job but in a weird way I enjoyed it. So what am I glutton for punishment? I suppose. But again I still lacked something to keep me tied to that ball and chain. I toyed with the idea of going back to school and still working there but then things in life got in the way. So I found another job closer to home ( I was working in Denton at HHSC ) again in Special Education until a turn of events forced me to leave. Looking back on those events, how much clearer could my answer have been? I mean when the kid over dosed and wound up in rehab, I was surrounded by my dream. Hang on I will explain.

So see God had put in my path people such as psychologists, social workers, and an assortment of other mental health folks or folks that help people "rebuild" their lives. I just heard it and saw it and smirked really I am not the one you want helping these folks, as well you know my life is all sorts of messed up beyond repair or FUBAR as they say. HA seriously God was wanting me of all people ME to do this. I just kept right on laughing so HE turned up the heat and gave me just enough to keep me tethered to the bean pole hanging in the wind and what a wind it has been. So back to me dream. I had just about given up when one night, HE gave me a dream or vision of sorts. I talked to the Honeyboo and told him what I was thinking about doing and he said PRAY. Ok fine was hoping you dear, loving husband love of my life would have given me a better answered. And oh from my three sisters from other mothers well the reaction was about the same.. FINE SOME HELP YOU PEOPLE ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just know I love you anyway. But see here is what I was missing, even though it is a smidgen hard for me to have patience and tolerance for my own family it is rather natural and easy for me to listen to others and help. I do not know why but it is. So that said I know this school getting my degree train has about worn some of you clean out but know that this time, I have it. I listened. I saw, and prayed. I heard and since I "gave in" things have been a little slower in my life. Oh I still have 4 semesters to go but at least I will be on the right track with the train. Oh and in case you have not discovered it, I am supposed to be a Social Worker. I have listened to the far left about how they make no money and how it is a meaningless job at times and how unrewarding it can be and I know that but for me that is not what it is about. God is gonna get me through it. I have faith and trust that this is what I am supposed to do. So just breathe and go with it! This summer, I will begin at Weatherford College in their Mental Health Provider program until I can transfer on into Tarleton to finish. And yes, I have in writing what will transfer and what won't. In any case after the Fall 2012, I can at least start reaping some rewards of my work and effort as a Substance Abuse Counselor. Then while working part time doing that, it is intended for me to go onto Tarleton and get my BSW and possibly my Masters in Social Work. And yes even though I want to go to Law School, perhaps when God says Ok, I will go but for now, this is what and where I am supposed to be. And it all started with a silly dream.

I hope that this will help just one of you. I hope that you will learn to listen and look at what God is throwing at you. See for me I was so burnt out from dispatching that I wanted NOTHING to do with anything like it including helping people. This was my rebellion against God. Ok got it hear ya loud and clear and am following.

I love you all...... =)

Part II

Alright so when I left you in suspense, they had given me a shot to induce labor that had halted.

So here we go up and down this rollercoaster and finally around 3:00 p.m. the nurse (not nurse Carol- she was there already) came in and they discussed things and well let us say we all moved quickly. Carlos at this point had reduced to a puddle on the floor yes he passed out... Thank goodness Carol was there. The stomach pain was worse and Dr. Reed really did not make it in time. It was both nurses who delivered Javi at 3:09 p.m. All 7 pounds 11 ounces of him. But it was a race for life charlie brown....


Dr. Reed came in as Carol and the delivery nurse were working on Javi. It was not good. Dr. Reed sprung into action and began yelling things like get NICU team here and other things. I knew something was not right. I kept asking what was wrong and Carol kept telling me nothing. Finally Dr. Reed let an older gentleman take over his spot and came to the bedside. The words he told me scared me. He told me that the umbilical cord was around Javi's neck and that he was not breathing. They were doing everything possible to get him to breathe. For what seemed like hours but in reality was only 3 minutes Javi did not breathe. During this time, people came in and out and in and out. I was cold and I remember screaming for them to stop and let me hold him. IT was there at this point that Javi opened his eyes and screamed. And it was a scream loud enough that folks passing by in the hallway heard him. So there he was breathing and coughing. They made sure he was not going to stop breathing again and brought him to me... All he seemed to want to do was eat!

So there it is, how the runt went from 7-11 to be 16 today all 6-4 of him...

Part I

This is a two part story... You have to bear with me and just go with it. But this is how it all began...

It was 1996. Number 2 as we called him was not due for two more weeks. Valentine Day to be exact. It was a hard pregnancy. Two amniocentesis, combined with strep and the flu and an assortment pack of other major issues. At the last amnio, the doctor told us that there could problems with the baby. Connective tissue and Down's syndrome were prevalent in all tests. We prepared to deal with the worst as the doctor laid it on the line and told us the baby had a high chance of being still born. Not the words you want and need to hear but I thank her for her honesty to this day. And they asked us at every sonogram and amnio if we wanted to know the baby's sex and we declined.

Now here is the odd and funny part if you will. My doctor at the time was pregnant so was her nurse. And to add to this, all 3 of us were due only a week apart with the doctor scheduled to deliver first, then me then the nurse. As if there is not enough proof in the world that it is a small world, the nurse lived 5 blocks from us at that time. So I went in for my usual daily visit as I had been going in every other day then every day since 25 weeks, and low and behold on the 6th of February, the doctor delivered her baby girl. Great I thought. Wonderful. Will the substitute doc know what to do with me and for me?? Oh he did.... I went in and Carol the nurse sent me upstairs to his office after she did her thing and told me about Dr. Parker. I was happy and she and I laughed as we joked about delivering on the same day. I saw the substitute doc who rush ordered a sonogram not the typical one but a more exhaustive one. We waited in his office for the results. He came in with a worried look on his face. He looked at Carlos and me and the chart seriously. He then utter these words and I have no clue why they haunt me to this day but they do " the baby is going to be uh rather large and I am concerned about delivery I did the exhaustive testing to make certain the lungs are working and I am scheduling you to induction tomorrow morning." Huh?? What do you mean tomorrow morning? I mean the baby is not set to come until Valentine's Day.. "well I am thinking this baby maybe as large as your first baby and I do not want to put you through that stress and everything is fine with the baby it is breathing and the lungs are working." Fine perhaps you do know what you are doing but ok.... So off we go back home to prepare for the baby.... Neither of us nor the house were ready and Gus sure was not but he got to go to Granny's and spend the night so he really did not care...

Later that evening as we began getting ready and went to bed, my stomach started to hurt in the weirdest spot. I assumed it was gas pains from all the coughing and all that. Well let me tell ya, this baby must have heard the doctor and heard what time we had to be at the hospital which by the way was check in at 3 a.m. A little after midnight, my water broke and Carlos ( god love him ) was so nervous and anxious that yes I literally had to drive myself contractions and all to the hospital.... The contractions were mild or so I was told but I just know my back freaking hurt and so did my stomach. Lord could it be my appendix I thought? I mean why not I had had everything else under the sun during that pregnancy. So heading down I-30 into the hospital district I told Carlos you may have to drive I am getting dizzy and sick at my stomach all the while he is heaving into the trash can. We made it to Harris downtown and were rushed upstairs. I have not a clue to this day who parked the car, I just know that the labor and delivery nurse brought the keys to us shortly after we arrived.

The nurses scanned the paperwork and were like we are not supposed to see you for 2 more hours what happened?? Hell if I could answer that I would be able to make my stomach stop hurting. Carlos was trying to convey to Granny over the phone in broken spanglish where we were and what happened. Evidently it did not translate well as she sent  mother to our house and from there her deductive reasoning skills kicked in and she finally made it to the hospital. An hour after our arrival at the hospital, everything stopped as in someone hit the switch and turned it off.

From the hallway, I could hear a familiar, comforting voice of Dr. Parker, barking out orders and yelling for Dr. Reed the substitute. The door burst open and in she came. I told her she had looked better as remember she had delivered only hours earlier. So here we go with the nasty stuff to make labor begin again and here goes my stomach ache again.

Finally at 2:30 p.m. that afternoon we got somewhere and it took nurse Carol holding my hand. And from there it was all down hill as they say.

So now I am keeping you in suspense until later.......

What to do What to do??????

So a week ago, I was preparing to send Blondie off into the wild blue yonder of the world. I had promised my self I would not let him see my cry. This was after all, his decision. But none the less, it was going to be hard. I knew this. So Saturday morning rolled around and off we went to the north. No not to Alaska but Oklahoma half way between Blondie's home and that other place known as Kansas. Well Blondie made it a almost a week before the text messages and calls began with I WANT TO COME HOME or my favorite HOW MUCH IS A TRAIN TICKET? I spoke with him and we discussed and cussed it and decided he would stay until months end. Ok fair and square. He was gonna stick with the plan. Done end of argument.

Until this afternoon. I got a call. Blondie's number came up on my phone. I knew it was unusual so I hurriedly answered it. OK I was in traffic on 30 at the 35 split but I answered it cause well my baby might need me! AND BOY DID HE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Through the years I have learned the sounds of my monkey's voice when it is something and when it is not. I could hear the tears falling. So I asked him what was wrong and his reply stopped my heart. He told me he was at the hospital and the nurse needed to talk to me. PANIC is not the word for what happened especially at 65 miles an hour.. Ok 75 but who saw my speed o meter??? HUh HUH??? What I thought.... The nurse sweet sounding and motherly like tone explained what she could.... That he had been brought in by ambulance, and that at this time they were waiting on the orthopedic surgeon to read and review the x ray but his foot and ankle were broken and there may be a chance for surgery. HOLD THE BAT PHONE! I am 700 miles from my baby and you are gonna do what when and where? OH I DO NOT THINK SO watch this. I bet my hiney would have made it to Kansas in record time. Ok so at the safe speed I was doing I had by this point missed the 35 North exit.... hmmmmm good thing..... So I gave the nurse the information she needed and she hung up... WAIT PUT BLONDIE BACK ON THE LINE>>>>.....

So I came on home calling honeyboo immediately after hanging up with Blondie and the wait began. It seemed like forever but it was only about an hour. Long short of it, no surgery is needed at this time. It is like a fracture but not completely in two. They call it a "buckle fracture." So here I sit.

Blondie called and to quote " I am done with this place I am coming home one way or another!" Ok ok lovely son I  hear ya, but I am trying... So my quandary is this........ GO GET HIM LIKE A WORRIED MOMMY SHOULD or LET HIM SURVIVE????? UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH

I mean I get it, if he was off in the military, I could not go get him. OH believe me I would try but most likely FAIL epically.... He is only in Kansas so I could go.... But I digress we have to wait for a phone call tomorrow to verify some information BEFORE I can make that mommy decision....

Why oh why does mommyhood have to be this difficult???

Smooches
Nighty Nite......

Where every gray hair on my head comes from...............

Today, is a hard day for me. Today, marks an event that changed my life forever 19 years ago. 

So bear with me and get the kleenex cause you are gonna need it. And yes every gray hair on my head is from him. They have been nicknamed with according dates....

19 years ago today, Augustus Dalton, (a.k.a Monkey man, Blondie, Sunshine, Jose, Gusbuster and little Turd) came into this world. Oh it was trying. I was alone, scared and drugged out of my head. I had not a clue in the world what I was gonna do with a baby. Nope not a clue. All I knew was the boy could eat with the best of them. Did I mention I was drugged out of my head?????

Oh there were times, during his infancy when I wanted to give up. One time stands out in my little head, vividly. He had an massive ear infection. The doctor had given him antibiotics and baby tylenol to take. He would scream uncontrollably for hours. I put him on the dryer so he could sleep and I could as well. Granny found us that day asleep on the dryer and asked me what was next the microwave? I told her she better not wake him up and that no the dishwasher was my next plan. So here we go into the next morning with him screaming in pain. I used 4 tanks of gas driving around Tarrant and Parker counties with him screaming and sleeping and screaming (this folks is how I learned my way around these two counties! need directions, just ask....).. We shall not mention the red lights I ran pretty sure the statue of limitations has run and thank peanuts there were no red light cameras... I had it. I loaded him in the car hoping that the magic of the car would help calm him and drove straight to the doctor's office. I marched in with him screaming. Come on kid you have to lose your voice at some point... Nope not Gusbuster. I handed him to the nurse as she could hear him screaming and promptly told her she could return him when he turned 18 that there was no way I was capable of doing this. She laughed and said now come on let us see why he is screaming. I said NO you can give him back when he is 18. Now the nurse and her counter part had "raised" me and one of them was holding the screamer and the other blocking the door to stop my exit. NOT FUNNY!!! (lesson learned, never use your pediatrician as your child's pediatrician, it will get ugly.) Turns out the medicine well Mr. Gus was allergic to so I took him back. I am glad I did. I would have missed obtaining all these gray hairs on my head. Oh and this is just one of the many many stories of Gus and Me. 

Mostly, I am proud that I never gave up on him. And he never gave up on me. I am proud of who he has become, a young man. He has had many trials and tribulations to over come in his 19 years. Some of them most of us could not even begin to imagine ourselves there. And then there have been the ones that by his decisions he has gone through. None the  less, he has never given up. He is a persistent little fart knocker with the blond hair. He can make you laugh like no other person. He can make you want to smack him like no other person. ( I do not know where he gets it from).

Gus, has been to the bottom and back. He has been in between. He has learned from him momma's mistakes and thank peanut, rainbows and cucumbers he is not a father ( although he tells me he is for shock value ). He has broken my heart so many times, it was easier to keep count of the gray hairs. He has made me tear up with the slightest thing he says. For example the whole pumpkin thing. And the latest "what do you want to do for your birthday?" "uh well I had uh planned on seeing my girlfriend..." OMG OMG OMG ( I am gonna have to give that little well I won't say it but you get it right????) UGHHHHHHHHHH REJECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here I sit on your 19th day of life reflecting on some of the stuff that I, your mother, did and wondering how on this planet you are still living... I mean there was the time when Oh I may get it for that one so I won't mention it.... 

So Sunshine, I am proud of you and who you are slowly becoming. I am glad that you have turned out as good as you have. I am glad that you make me laugh, cry and have given me gray hairs ( yes son you and you alone have given me every gray hair on my head ). I am glad that you took that giant step and are in college, and are considering being a fireman. I am glad you finally learned to drive (although that has added to my gray hair collection). I am glad your brothers have you as it is funny when you chew them out for something they did that you did many years ago. I am glad you encourage them to do their best. And I am glad that you tell me from time to time when it gets to rough "you never let me fail mom and I am not gonna let you fail." 

So as you go off into the 19th year of your life, know that no matter how far away you are or what time of day or night it maybe, momma is still there to tell you to nut up, dust yourself off and try again. 

I LOVE YOU AUGUSTUS DALTON!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then again..........

Happy Halloween first and foremost... I miss it.. The "little people" are now are to "grown up" for it..  They wanted me to go buy a bag of candy and let them ring the bell and give it to them..... WHATEVER!!!!!! I mean seeing my friends and their youngest ones is making me well sappy!!!!!!!!! I miss how Blondie, the Eskimo and Curly used to go "I wanna be this or that." OH and the endless searching for the right outfit, that I do not miss...But truly I miss them getting all "cuteed" up and going about.. I do. And that brings me to this...... Then again maybe I do not miss it.....

See the week of Halloween precedes a life changing event for me... Five short days AFTER trick or treat came, the Blondie came into this world. Oh let me tell you it started on Halloween that year, only when I went to the hospital, they kindly patted me on the head and told me "first babies are always late." Huh really I get that after 18 years the boy has never mark these words never been on time for a thing. Typically he skirts in on the skin of his teeth, But seriously... So off and on I went about my business acting like I had good sense and pretended to know half way what I was doing but then again.......

So we get through Halloween, and BAM November 5, he sprung out like a rocket into life and the world. Now, I look at him just like this morning, when I asked him if he wanted a pumpkin to carve tonight as I have done for 18 years and he goes "I guess." HUH wait who are you and where is my little punkin head that got mad last year when I did not go get one... The eskimo and curly, had declined as well they had a game and practice tonight.. But Blondie turned me down. OH THE REJECTED FEELING.... He then looked at me with this confused look much like I had and it hit me. I started to cry, no sob as I was driving. "Mom pull over and let me drive" No I will be fine. That realization made me bawl even more..

Why was I crying? Has he grown up too much? Has he not left the "nest" quick enough? And then again.....

No Blondie, here is why.... Last year you turned 18. Everybody asked me if I was emotional. Well I was a little, but this year, as you approach 19 to darn quick, it is about to kill your momma. I guess in my little world, you would always be 18 and never get older. And then again..... So yes Blondie, I was bawling because you have become a young man who now can vote, drive, go into the military, who has enrolled in college, and is considering being a fireman ( please note you always wanted to be 3 things, an astronaut, a trash man, and captain john smith) and now you have a "girl" in your life (all I am gonna say is she better be good to you or momma will have a talking with her). So this is way too much on ya momma. Cut me some slack boy, before I pull out those blonde hairs and send you to indefinite time out. It pains my being to see you pull out the driveway and off to that college you go...Much like the Daisy Lu I have considered biting the tires to keep you from going (oh yes Daisy Lu says you have grown up to fast as well). I just want you to go and get a costume and be happy with your pillow case going door to door, street to street, getting candy and then settling up in the middle of the floor with your brothers. And then again..........

So Blondie in 5 days there shall be another blog ALL ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Halloween

Nighty Nite,

Smooches

PS- He asked me as I was on the way out of the driveway to get Curly, if I got a pumpkin.....

How do you know???

So perhaps, I stole that line from a movie. But lately that question has me stumped. No more like perplexed. It all started with a friend who is going through something in life and she stated " I stopped being me because I had to but how do I find me?" Well ok so believe it or not, that left me speechless, dead in my tracks and breathless. It has had me thinking which all something we know I should not do. In fact I was told once upon moon that "you should not go into your mind alone as it is a scary neighborhood." Well ok but seriously I have ponder many a sleepless night over this statement.

So when did I stop being "me?" I have not an honest clue about that but I know that I have and it has not occurred recently.  So I began the trudge backward from where I am right now to long ago and far away in that scary neighborhood. Ladies and Gentlemen, it has not been a fun trip or ride at Disney World. Not more like the ancient (as the "little people here" call it) ride on the spelunker cave at 100 miles an hour. It has brought well not so good feelings toward some folks, and others now I understand why they acted they way they have toward me. I am not selfish we all know that nor am I greedy (ok when it comes to peanut m&ms or coffee) nor would I not lend a hand. I was not raised as a spoiled child. I did have a lot of "things" but I did have other "wants" that I understand now I could not have. I was not beaten severly as a child but I did get the flyswatter more then a few thousand times, (in fact if I had my way no one on this planet would own one), and I never ( praise God ) wound up in jail or major trouble (and yes the statue of limitations has run on those things) but all in all I was a good kid. 

Ok so why am I in such a quandary you ask? Because, when I was younger, I never really identified with who I was to make me who I am now. Long short of it, I was the youngest of a sibling and myself and my two cousins. All older with the youngest being 8 when I was born. I was raised you could say as an adult as where we lived there were no other kids to play with on the block. I was the "adult child." I then plunged through that along with  early adolescent years waxing and waning, into my mid teen years. I learned to drive but a major life event caused me to go from 15 to 35 in a heartbeat. I had to become an adult over night literally. I had to take care of an aging family member yet was expected to go on about my business as any other teen. At the young age of 17 almost 18, I ran off. I could no longer live life. I was boxed in and suffocating. Things and circumstances happen and I eventually came back but this time, it was with child in toe. (hence why I am 40 and in college) I never got to experience most of what my friends did; things like homecomings, and proms, and all that jazz. Oh now before you start I know that there are kids who never get it, but just ask them what I am telling you about not having a "teenhood" to speak of. No I am not bitter or upset over this, but it has a major impact on who I am and how i got to where I am. I had a job, and family responsibilities. And yes that precious little baby, I was too young but he was mine and nothing was going to change that.

Figuring it  up all out has not been hard, but fixing what can be has been. And honestly I am not certain that I know how nor is there really anyone who can help me. When I sought help, for this issue, I was told by more then one professional that there is nothing you can do to change it. Ok so how do I fix it or at least resolve it so that I can discover me? And I got many a blank stare. And then they tell me that it has to do with the fact my father was not around, yadda yadda.... I am not sold on any of this other then, I grew up way to fast and had no alternative but to go with the flow.

So I am beginning a journey to find out what exactly I have done with me and who is me. I reiterate that it is not a joyful ride and I am not sure where it will end. Or if I will even like then end result. But at the end of the day, it is what it is and what I make of it. I am hoping, no more like praying that this will help me to figure me out. 

So on your road, if you happen to see me looking somewhat like a Flat Stanley (if you have kids you know who Stanley is- and if not Google it) pick me up and blow into one of my fingers and re inflate me....

Smooches,

Nighty Nite.