Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Imma gonna need lots of Kleenex this next year.......

So it was official today that Blondie got his GED certificate. It has been a long, winding, hard road to get him here. It has been filled with ups and downs called life choices. None the less, I am proud of him.

So not only did we get his certificate in the mail, he immediately came home and wanted assistance to help register him for college for this fall at TCC. I chocked through it. We got it done and now I am alone in my room, typing and bawling my eyes out. Not because I do not want him to grow up, but because he has. And I know this is only a small step toward his own independence and existence in the world. He has not been my little ray of sunshine since last November when he turned 18. No it has been longer then that but it became official then. This friends has been a little harder then I thought it would be. No, no not raising him and all the tribulations that have come with it the last several years but the knowing that he will soon be leaving the nest so to speak. I am scared for him to go out into this world as mean as it is but I know he has to. Ok so Curly's departure from the nest can not come soon enough but not Blondie. Oh who am I trying to fool I do not want any of them to go but I know they must.

Tonight I have as I was helping him, reflected on him playing Pocahontas and being Captain John Smith. Oh he would run around in his skivvies re acting the movie. I reflected on him and the big eskimo playing in the mud and covered until all you could see was the whites of their eyes. Or more recently a midnight trip or an attempted trip out in the VW and getting stuck.. I will miss all of this. I will miss him most of all.

So sweet sunshine, go live life to it fullest and smile and have fun. Momma loves you.... Momma is proud of you.....

Night y'all.......I have to go get more Kleenex.......

Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Game of Life......

Oh there are days, no more like weeks where I just want to hide.. This week has been one of those. And it is not over yet. Monday, Memorial Day was productive and fun but I knew Tuesday was looming and that meant class for me started. I did not know what else Tuesday would hold for me. It was a bit of a shock but not a surprise. Oh I started my World Religion class and it made me feel like poop. Oh trust me I should not be on here and doing homework instead but this all has to come out. I am the oldest one in the class including the professor who just turned 32. That I got over. Dealing with it and the amount of homework that he has given us for the next 5 1/2 weeks. Oh that was not the shock. The shock came out of the Big Eskimos mouth. And it stung like a bee.

So Tuesday, they had their last athletics period for the year. Now he has up until then and even now wavered between yes I am playing, no I am not, etc. Well Tuesday was a NO day and he told them. In disbelief, they spoke to him gingerly about his reasons. After he issued a variety of non believable ones, they told him to cut the crap and speak, about the real reason. This is where even my shock came into play. He told them something startling about why he has played. Oh he loves it and hates the hard work in the heat, but still enjoys it. But what he told them drained them speechless. It even left me speechless. Then the anger set in and it has not subsided. The person it needs to be directed to could care less about him or his brothers at this point. That is the sad fact. The child's father. The Big Eskimo told them and me that he was not going to play anymore as his dad did not care anyway so what was the point. That folks is the reader's digest version. So now do you feel my anger? OH it has carried over for three days now and tonight the alleged anger maker called. I did not answer and I digress..So when I picked my chin up off the floor, I comforted him as best I could. Oh he wants mom, and step dad and knows no matter what we will stand firm with him, but he wants his dad's acceptance and praise as well and friends he has never gotten that. He thought that playing football even though he liked and enjoyed it would make his dad like and love him and accept him for who he is. Seeing the error of his way, he has given up. Done. Finished. Curtain call. Stick a fork in him. Close the door, turn out the lights. He is depressed and upset as to be expected. He has spent the last couple of days secluded and fishing. Oh he has spoken to mom and others in the house, but for the most part, he has kept to himself. All mom told him was to keep an open heart and mind and think about it. Do not make a decision based on anger and hurt that you will regret for life. Do not make a decision in fact remove your Dad from the equation and think about football and if you really want to stay. It sucks that at 15 he has to make this decision of realization that you can not no matter what make someone care for you or love you or be there when you want them to. Yep it has taken everything I have not to go have a conversation with dear old daddyo........... =) I also told him not to settle and never take the path of least resistance. I am not certain it has worked but at least I know he is thinking about things. Sorry baby is all momma has got for you.

And to top it off, I am at an impasse about school. Oh I am not giving up or throwing in the towel, just can not decide which direction I honestly want to go. I mean I have spent a lot of money to get an education and the last thing I want in 2 1/2 years is to not be able to find a job. I have friends who graduated in December that have been so far unsuccessful. And ones that just graduated in May who are well frankly having nervous break downs about finding a job. That is my issue at the time. There are 3 areas that just trip my trigger and it is hard to narrow it down. So like son, have been a little "off" the last couple of days. I have not been me as I am trying to figure it out on top of "stuff." Part of my issue is that it keeps hitting me that I am almost 40 and have not "grown up" yet. I am once again struggling with Life. It is so easy in the game of Life, you spin the spinner and go this way or that..... So why can reality not be as easy???? And trust me, the "big man" and I have had plenty of conversations over the last few days.

Never in my grown up life have I wanted to run as much as I do now. I want to run screaming away from it all. Problem is I can not run that fast. Fat girl here she do not get in a hurry too much.... =) So I am hanging and hoping that all will come out in the wash. Some how I am not sure. I know it will, I just hope for the best. I have come to discover that no one has the answers for me, just like the eskimo. So for now, we both sit and wait and pray and think.

Love and smooches, night ya'll

It will all be better tomorrow right?????