And then again..........

Happy Halloween first and foremost... I miss it.. The "little people" are now are to "grown up" for it..  They wanted me to go buy a bag of candy and let them ring the bell and give it to them..... WHATEVER!!!!!! I mean seeing my friends and their youngest ones is making me well sappy!!!!!!!!! I miss how Blondie, the Eskimo and Curly used to go "I wanna be this or that." OH and the endless searching for the right outfit, that I do not miss...But truly I miss them getting all "cuteed" up and going about.. I do. And that brings me to this...... Then again maybe I do not miss it.....

See the week of Halloween precedes a life changing event for me... Five short days AFTER trick or treat came, the Blondie came into this world. Oh let me tell you it started on Halloween that year, only when I went to the hospital, they kindly patted me on the head and told me "first babies are always late." Huh really I get that after 18 years the boy has never mark these words never been on time for a thing. Typically he skirts in on the skin of his teeth, But seriously... So off and on I went about my business acting like I had good sense and pretended to know half way what I was doing but then again.......

So we get through Halloween, and BAM November 5, he sprung out like a rocket into life and the world. Now, I look at him just like this morning, when I asked him if he wanted a pumpkin to carve tonight as I have done for 18 years and he goes "I guess." HUH wait who are you and where is my little punkin head that got mad last year when I did not go get one... The eskimo and curly, had declined as well they had a game and practice tonight.. But Blondie turned me down. OH THE REJECTED FEELING.... He then looked at me with this confused look much like I had and it hit me. I started to cry, no sob as I was driving. "Mom pull over and let me drive" No I will be fine. That realization made me bawl even more..

Why was I crying? Has he grown up too much? Has he not left the "nest" quick enough? And then again.....

No Blondie, here is why.... Last year you turned 18. Everybody asked me if I was emotional. Well I was a little, but this year, as you approach 19 to darn quick, it is about to kill your momma. I guess in my little world, you would always be 18 and never get older. And then again..... So yes Blondie, I was bawling because you have become a young man who now can vote, drive, go into the military, who has enrolled in college, and is considering being a fireman ( please note you always wanted to be 3 things, an astronaut, a trash man, and captain john smith) and now you have a "girl" in your life (all I am gonna say is she better be good to you or momma will have a talking with her). So this is way too much on ya momma. Cut me some slack boy, before I pull out those blonde hairs and send you to indefinite time out. It pains my being to see you pull out the driveway and off to that college you go...Much like the Daisy Lu I have considered biting the tires to keep you from going (oh yes Daisy Lu says you have grown up to fast as well). I just want you to go and get a costume and be happy with your pillow case going door to door, street to street, getting candy and then settling up in the middle of the floor with your brothers. And then again..........

So Blondie in 5 days there shall be another blog ALL ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Halloween

Nighty Nite,

Smooches

PS- He asked me as I was on the way out of the driveway to get Curly, if I got a pumpkin.....

How do you know???

So perhaps, I stole that line from a movie. But lately that question has me stumped. No more like perplexed. It all started with a friend who is going through something in life and she stated " I stopped being me because I had to but how do I find me?" Well ok so believe it or not, that left me speechless, dead in my tracks and breathless. It has had me thinking which all something we know I should not do. In fact I was told once upon moon that "you should not go into your mind alone as it is a scary neighborhood." Well ok but seriously I have ponder many a sleepless night over this statement.

So when did I stop being "me?" I have not an honest clue about that but I know that I have and it has not occurred recently.  So I began the trudge backward from where I am right now to long ago and far away in that scary neighborhood. Ladies and Gentlemen, it has not been a fun trip or ride at Disney World. Not more like the ancient (as the "little people here" call it) ride on the spelunker cave at 100 miles an hour. It has brought well not so good feelings toward some folks, and others now I understand why they acted they way they have toward me. I am not selfish we all know that nor am I greedy (ok when it comes to peanut m&ms or coffee) nor would I not lend a hand. I was not raised as a spoiled child. I did have a lot of "things" but I did have other "wants" that I understand now I could not have. I was not beaten severly as a child but I did get the flyswatter more then a few thousand times, (in fact if I had my way no one on this planet would own one), and I never ( praise God ) wound up in jail or major trouble (and yes the statue of limitations has run on those things) but all in all I was a good kid. 

Ok so why am I in such a quandary you ask? Because, when I was younger, I never really identified with who I was to make me who I am now. Long short of it, I was the youngest of a sibling and myself and my two cousins. All older with the youngest being 8 when I was born. I was raised you could say as an adult as where we lived there were no other kids to play with on the block. I was the "adult child." I then plunged through that along with  early adolescent years waxing and waning, into my mid teen years. I learned to drive but a major life event caused me to go from 15 to 35 in a heartbeat. I had to become an adult over night literally. I had to take care of an aging family member yet was expected to go on about my business as any other teen. At the young age of 17 almost 18, I ran off. I could no longer live life. I was boxed in and suffocating. Things and circumstances happen and I eventually came back but this time, it was with child in toe. (hence why I am 40 and in college) I never got to experience most of what my friends did; things like homecomings, and proms, and all that jazz. Oh now before you start I know that there are kids who never get it, but just ask them what I am telling you about not having a "teenhood" to speak of. No I am not bitter or upset over this, but it has a major impact on who I am and how i got to where I am. I had a job, and family responsibilities. And yes that precious little baby, I was too young but he was mine and nothing was going to change that.

Figuring it  up all out has not been hard, but fixing what can be has been. And honestly I am not certain that I know how nor is there really anyone who can help me. When I sought help, for this issue, I was told by more then one professional that there is nothing you can do to change it. Ok so how do I fix it or at least resolve it so that I can discover me? And I got many a blank stare. And then they tell me that it has to do with the fact my father was not around, yadda yadda.... I am not sold on any of this other then, I grew up way to fast and had no alternative but to go with the flow.

So I am beginning a journey to find out what exactly I have done with me and who is me. I reiterate that it is not a joyful ride and I am not sure where it will end. Or if I will even like then end result. But at the end of the day, it is what it is and what I make of it. I am hoping, no more like praying that this will help me to figure me out. 

So on your road, if you happen to see me looking somewhat like a Flat Stanley (if you have kids you know who Stanley is- and if not Google it) pick me up and blow into one of my fingers and re inflate me....

Smooches,

Nighty Nite.