So perhaps, I stole that line from a movie. But lately that question has me stumped. No more like perplexed. It all started with a friend who is going through something in life and she stated " I stopped being me because I had to but how do I find me?" Well ok so believe it or not, that left me speechless, dead in my tracks and breathless. It has had me thinking which all something we know I should not do. In fact I was told once upon moon that "you should not go into your mind alone as it is a scary neighborhood." Well ok but seriously I have ponder many a sleepless night over this statement.
So when did I stop being "me?" I have not an honest clue about that but I know that I have and it has not occurred recently. So I began the trudge backward from where I am right now to long ago and far away in that scary neighborhood. Ladies and Gentlemen, it has not been a fun trip or ride at Disney World. Not more like the ancient (as the "little people here" call it) ride on the spelunker cave at 100 miles an hour. It has brought well not so good feelings toward some folks, and others now I understand why they acted they way they have toward me. I am not selfish we all know that nor am I greedy (ok when it comes to peanut m&ms or coffee) nor would I not lend a hand. I was not raised as a spoiled child. I did have a lot of "things" but I did have other "wants" that I understand now I could not have. I was not beaten severly as a child but I did get the flyswatter more then a few thousand times, (in fact if I had my way no one on this planet would own one), and I never ( praise God ) wound up in jail or major trouble (and yes the statue of limitations has run on those things) but all in all I was a good kid.
Ok so why am I in such a quandary you ask? Because, when I was younger, I never really identified with who I was to make me who I am now. Long short of it, I was the youngest of a sibling and myself and my two cousins. All older with the youngest being 8 when I was born. I was raised you could say as an adult as where we lived there were no other kids to play with on the block. I was the "adult child." I then plunged through that along with early adolescent years waxing and waning, into my mid teen years. I learned to drive but a major life event caused me to go from 15 to 35 in a heartbeat. I had to become an adult over night literally. I had to take care of an aging family member yet was expected to go on about my business as any other teen. At the young age of 17 almost 18, I ran off. I could no longer live life. I was boxed in and suffocating. Things and circumstances happen and I eventually came back but this time, it was with child in toe. (hence why I am 40 and in college) I never got to experience most of what my friends did; things like homecomings, and proms, and all that jazz. Oh now before you start I know that there are kids who never get it, but just ask them what I am telling you about not having a "teenhood" to speak of. No I am not bitter or upset over this, but it has a major impact on who I am and how i got to where I am. I had a job, and family responsibilities. And yes that precious little baby, I was too young but he was mine and nothing was going to change that.
Figuring it up all out has not been hard, but fixing what can be has been. And honestly I am not certain that I know how nor is there really anyone who can help me. When I sought help, for this issue, I was told by more then one professional that there is nothing you can do to change it. Ok so how do I fix it or at least resolve it so that I can discover me? And I got many a blank stare. And then they tell me that it has to do with the fact my father was not around, yadda yadda.... I am not sold on any of this other then, I grew up way to fast and had no alternative but to go with the flow.
So I am beginning a journey to find out what exactly I have done with me and who is me. I reiterate that it is not a joyful ride and I am not sure where it will end. Or if I will even like then end result. But at the end of the day, it is what it is and what I make of it. I am hoping, no more like praying that this will help me to figure me out.
So on your road, if you happen to see me looking somewhat like a Flat Stanley (if you have kids you know who Stanley is- and if not Google it) pick me up and blow into one of my fingers and re inflate me....
Smooches,
Nighty Nite.
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