Conflict is described by Websters Dictionary as competitive or opposing action of incompatibles and mental struggle resulting from need, drive, wishes or external and internal demands. And before any of you hit the panic button and declare crowd control this is not about me and Honeyboo.
I describe it as PURE HELL!!!!!!!!!!! The later for the last year I have wrestled with daily. Oh what to do what to do! Go left in the road or go right in the road or just make my own road. I have relied on faith to get me where I am and to help me with the internal conflict but lately, I am not certain I am hearing what I should be. I can picture in my head my little "angels" who I named Fred and Ethel, fighting continuously and the good Lord just shaking his head in disgust at me and chuckling under his breath all the while going yes Jen, watch this now!! Well I am not laughing in fact I am becoming tired and restless. I am tired of fighting my Fred and Ethel ( I picture them with those blow up bats whacking away at each other going no it is my turn not its mine). I am tired of feeling one leg up four feet down the hole. I am relying on God to push me in the right direction. But my need right now is WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? WHICH WAY DO YOU WANT ME TO GO????? I hear ya but then I hear ya again. Which is it or is this a silly game you like to play with me to test my faith in you? Just when I think I have it figured out you push in the opposite direction! Well no more MR! I think I am gonna make my own road and see what happens.. HA fat chance...
But all kidding aside, I fight with myself day in day out. It is becoming that Honeyboo has noticed. Oh now again I do not need to be committed to the State institution for the insane well maybe I do but it is hell I tell ya hell. Or maybe I am terrified that I will not make it so I keep selling myself short and that is when the big guy steps in and says OK but I shall give you an unquenching thirst and hunger until you listen and follow as I say. I am not sure but I gotta have a serious chat with Fred and Ethel and THE BIG GUY. So then I say "self there is a reason he put you here and a reason he wants you to do this FIRST and then move onto the other." But my "self" does not always listen. Who knows. All I know is the Good Lord needs to swoop in down on my pea punkin head and bash me, Fred and Ethel FAST! Ok maybe he did that could explain the massive headache I have carried for the last two months or perhaps it is the kidney stone I still have. Either way, I just want to be happy and know what it is I am supposed to do. I need to hear it loud and clear.
But internal conflict is an issue. Those who know me know that up until this last year, I have not had an issue with it. I think part of my problem is GUILT! Oh not when I eat something I know I should not like pork, or chocolate or fried, greasy stuff but GUILT! Most of it is over the fact that Honeyboo has taken a vow of poverty with me and he honestly ( yes I am bawling ) stands beside and behind me on this school to get a career thing. What brings my guilt to the surface is the fact I feel like I can not help financially to his cause and the poor creature is working himself to death trying to make it for us. And then there are the times, when reality sets in and I go ok but he deserves his day in the sun as well. And the kids, even though they are older, they still need me even if they do not realize it. Take Curly for instance, had to take him in yesterday to the sports clinic to get an xray and looked at. Nothing major just some deep bone bruising in the growth plates and a pulled Achilles tendon but my point is, he needed momma to make it stop hurting and feel better, well that and some ice cream. But like going to the dentist we honestly can not afford it and had I done this years ago, maybe I would not feel guilty over that. Then there is the Gma. Yes, I feel like in some ways I am responsible for her financial downfall even though I know she created it. I just go well I had not have taken this poverty vow, she would maybe be ok.
So I am gonna go and sleep and see what the good Lord brings me in my dreams. Maybe I will have my answer and be able to move along down the yellow brick road. Who knows.
Smooches.....
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