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Friday, January 14, 2011

Who gets the blame?

So evidently that last two blogs were on the deep, philosophical side huh? Well tonight I will try to be my humorous self..... I am tired so bare with me... No I did not say bare it with me I meant hold on and let my mind wander a little.. 

So today in English class, our assignment is to write an essay on positionally on the feminist side. So our first instructions were to write, I AM you fill in the blank 20 times.. Sounds easy right? Well for the most part it was and it was fun. The second set of instructions were to take a blank sheet of paper and draw a map to an extent. Ok this "map" is not of the geographaical or topical sort. We were instructed to place a big dot any color of our chosing and place it on the "map" where we are right now today. Sounds easy right? NOT SO MUCH... See I first placed my dot in the center of the page, then after careful thought, I moved it to the lower left hand corner. Why?? Why not be the center of the universe?? I mean after all it is my universe right?? HA!!!! Not so dang fast. See positionally is all about where you are today right now and how you got to here. Yep this is one of those you gotta think about who you are and what you want things.. The professor says "it is fairly simple." HA! 

In some sense it is simple. The reason we are here is because of this that or the other. But the remainder of that is about goals. Yes I have them and some are as simple as make it one week without over sleeping HA not happened and that has been a goal for well let us just pretend a long time maybe like since dirt was invented... One of my longer range goals is to become a Judge. HA scared you all didn't I... See I have some secrets from my friends but not many. And I will get there, I may just have hearing aids and a walker by then. The "little" people who reside with hubby and me have declared that I will never be the proud owner of a little rascal scooter. The excuse they gave me was that they were afraid I would mow people down who got in my way. HA !!!!!!!! Well ok so the whole thing about me running their dad over with the suburban has well kinda been blown out of text and it is not as bad as it sounds. Well ok I admit I did BACK over him but I was only going 10 mph and I was not aware he was there. It was an accident no harm no foul. He has however learned to steer clear of me and any motorized vehicle since that time.. OH I digress.....

The reason this is hard for me is that I am one of the few people on the planet who do not place blame for my situation on others and circumstances. I do not wallow in it oh from time to time I might but not that often. True 25 years ago I could have taken the college route and been close to retirement now, but no I decided to have kids and a "career." I could have easily blamed my mom and family situation for it but case in fact, I have no one but myself to blame. I figured out a long time ago that you can not no matter what change a zebras strips or leopards spots. I am me take me love me, like me or leave me. I am me and that is that. I will if you ask me my opinion tell you honestly what I think. This at times offends people. I have sought help from "professionals" as I have been told by family members that I have "issues." The result of that in seeing SEVERAL was that I have a strong personality and I see black and white and shades of gray. I was told that I am a "deep" thinker thus causing me to be me without placing blame on others. My theory has been this, if you have to sugar coat something or be careful with your words, then it is not worth you even saying. And for the most part, when I tell you I will do something I will. And when I tell you I am DONE I am. I do believe in second chances but not third and fourth helpings of them. Again this has caused issues with some family members who think to this day that I have "issues." HA!!!!!! Well maybe I do but we do not need to discuss them......=)

So here I sit working on this "map" with my dot in the corner. The corner is the starting point to an eventual end of where I want to be. I get that I just do not get the in between and the beginning. So here I sit all broken hearted Oh crap that is another blog, So here I sit trying to figure it all out of how I got to where I am. See the reason this is hard on me is this..... I simply woke up on morning it was July 2, 2008 to be exact and stared up at the ceiling and went WHAT THE F#@$ am I doing??? I am almost 40 years old and have 3 kids to support and this is not what I want to do with my life. BOOM that simple. No blame on anybody. So the reason this is hard is well I do not blame my mom or my past on how I got where I am today. It was solely my decision. Oh sure I could have pulled out the well daddy left before I was born and we lived with my grandparents and at 16 I had to take the reins and run the ship as my granny had to depart for a little bit and I dropped out of school and I have had 2 marriages fall apart, but you know I have no one but myself to blame. Sure that offer to go to Texas Tech and on to law school out of high school was a decent one but I was not through "sowing my wild oats" and so what if in the process I had three wonderful little boogers. Did it mame anyone or kill anyone? Not that I know of. 

It does not matter, what matters is how you develop from this.Meaning did you constantly place blame on things for your outcomes or short comings or do you say it is not anyone's fault but my own?  For some in my family this is hard for them to take and they say that this is my illness in not placing responsibility and that is why I am 40 and just getting my first college degree. That we never had or never were taught responsibility when we were growing up and that we have no understanding of what life and relationships are like... WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!! Look in the mirror is all I can say.

So that said, I have to figure out how I got here. I know how, and maybe part of me does not want to explain it. My only real problem now is should I leave out the part about running over my ex????? I mean after all maybe that is why I am where I am today......... =) Just saying it really was an accident.......

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